101 Sex Jokes and Comix – Illustrated eBook

Each page has one joke and a comic picture. Well, let’s start with some great laughter and then at the end is a bonus section called “A Few Sick Ones For You!”

Download Link

http://www.filefactory.com/file/54riyr1dnfaj/n/101Jokes.rar

INSTALLING HUSBAND

A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....


Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications , which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______




REPLY

DEAR Madam ,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update .
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5...

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the previous Boyfriend programs like Boyfriend 5.0 etc... These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. 

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7. 

True Wish

 

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
 

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.We want to know how they feel inside. What they are thinking when they give us the silent treatment? Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'? Why they snap and complain when we try to help? And, finally, how we can make a woman truly happy?'
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The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Women are women

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialled 911,and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my new bracelet? 

Definitions of Designations in IT

 

       • Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

 

       • Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

 

       • Onsite Coordinator  is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

  

       • Client  is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

  

       • Marketing Manager  is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

  

       • Resource Optimization Team  thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with   zero resources.

  

       • Documentation Team  thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

  

       • Quality Auditor  is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

  

       • Tester  is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

  

       • HR Manager  is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

Reincarnation (Joke)

 

 

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

 

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.

 

Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

 

Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

 

Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

 

It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.

 

You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.

 

'Never' replies Anil

 

'Well just relax and let it happen'

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

 

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

 

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

 

Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'.

 

Simple Home Remedies (Funny)

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.
Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

New Exam pattern in INDIA

GENERAL Students - Answer ALL questions
OBC Students - WRITE ANY one question
SC Students - ONLY READ questions
ST Students - THANKS FOR COMING

The Bath Tub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "

A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window? "

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DID YOU PASS ????????

Software Girl's Wedding

Sandhya: Hey! what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden?
Shilpa: Do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come.. in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select, I am confused because of it.

Sandhya: What is the confusion about?
Shilpa: Horoscopes of many software engineers have come. It seems now a days, the software guys are wanting to marry girls in the other field. That's I why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a software engineer na pls give me some suggestion .

Sandhya: Not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.
Shilpa: First is a manager.

Sandhya: Manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it, he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how can I prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept.
Shilpa: Ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer.

Sandhya: He is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with 10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it. If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is sooo good ... Shilpa: Then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer.

Sandhya: He is another specimen.. even if everything is good, he will ask why did it take this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if you want to do make up in your life !!!
Shilpa: Then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys??

Sandhya: Who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear.
Shilpa: Then tell about them.

Sandhya: You don't have to do anything. They will do everything themselves. If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them is- they will say "I know it" whatever you ask them. Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them every time.
Shilpa: This is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom....

Bihar Naming Convention

A MAN WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna (Bihar).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the second neighbor who has taken care,then the name would be "DWIVEDI";
If it is the third neighbor then it would be "TRIVEDI",
If it is the fourth neighbor then it would be "CHATURVEDI" ;
If its the fifth neighbor then it would be "PANDEY"...
After listening to this, questions followed.
What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named "MISHRA"...
And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour? Then it would be "SHARMA".... But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour? Then the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...
If she does not remember the name then? It is "YAAD-AV"
But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? Then it will be named "DOSHI"...
Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire? Then he will be named "JOSHI"... And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?.... "DESHPANDEY. "

Loyal Wife

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....
 

Tears of a Husband

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be
in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a
tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?" T

he husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I
do" she replies.

 The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the garden?" "Yes! I remember"
said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to
jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been
released today!"

Work Phones - Nice One

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
 
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
 
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
 
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
 
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

Being Early Always an Advantage

Husband and Wife

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found

themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed

and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and

fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in

the lower.

 

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman,

saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you

be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a

second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for

tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

 

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

 

And she said.

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"Then get up and take it yourself"!!

Beggar - Thought Provoking Joke

 

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like ...

 

 

Some Important Laws

 
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

 

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LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

 

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LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

 

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LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

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LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

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BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

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LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

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LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

 

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LAW OF BIOMECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

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THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 

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LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Heights of Communication Gap...!

Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW?????"
"Yes ... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders..... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a CANDLE."

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